My heart literally aches. “Aches” isn’t even a strong enough word, honestly. I’ve been following Courtney’s blog about her son, Tripp since Patrice first mentioned his story. I’ve put my head in my hands and sobbed as I read about a Mom’s unconditional and never tiring love of her son. I’ve looked at my boys and wondered if I could have the strength to watch them go through so much pain, to watch them slowly – and painfully – get worse.
I don’t know Courtney. I’ve never talked to her, but her life and story have changed me. I hug my boys tighter, kiss them harder, and cuddle with them longer. More importantly though, I have perspective. I understand that so many of my “worries” are really luxuries. I have the luxury of getting frustrated at stubbornness, temper tantrums, disobedience, or picky eating. The fact that none of those issues are life or death in our world is a luxury….a luxury that I take for granted on a daily basis.
Tripp passed away. After months – years, really – of an up and down roller coaster of health, emotions, and pain, he passed away. Peacefully. In his Mommy’s arms.
Since he’s been born, Courtney’s life has revolved around Tripp in a way none of us can fully understand. I say my life revolves around my kids and their schedule, but the truth is I’m allowed to be much more selfish than that. Courtney ate, slept, and breathed Tripp and his needs – and joyfully so. I can only imagine the helplessness I would feel in her shoes. I’m certain she’ll mourn – a profound mourning of her soul that can only be heard and truly understood by her Creator. I don’t know Courtney. I didn’t know Tripp. But my heart will be mourning right along with her.
I can’t wait to meet Tripp in heaven. I look forward to seeing his body without wounds and healthy. Or maybe he will have those wounds, I don’t know. I do know that he won’t hurt. I know that Jesus will be able to wrap His arms around Tripp and squeeze him more tightly than he’s ever been hugged. I know that he’s free of pain and that his years here already seem like a distant dream that passed so quickly. I believe that Tripp is finally seeing the purpose of his suffering, how God used one little life to perform miracles. I hope I get to see Courtney hugging Tripp in heaven.
Until that moment though, God brings Courtney to my mind almost daily. She asked her blog readers to pray in Tripp’s last days that he would feel peace, and I gladly prayed exactly that. I’m now finding myself praying that precise thing for her. That a soul torn to shreds by grief would be calmed by the hands of the Comforter and that even in the midst of her deepest mourning, His arms would be wrapped tightly around her – hugging her, rocking her, speaking softly and tenderly to her. Unconditionally loving and caring for a wounded heart the same way she loved and cared for a wounded boy.
As he lies in my lap
And together we sway
I rock him to sleep
And meanwhile I pray:
“Dear God, I know you can see us
And you’re watching from above
Filled with sadness for him, as we are,
And equally in love.
I’ve never once asked You “why?”
Nor questioned if You were near.
But I do have one request tonight,
I pray that you will hear.
When it’s time for You to call him home,
And my hope turns into despair,
I will need more than a promise from You,
I’ll need a pinky-swear…
That you will hold him close to Your chest,
And say “I love you” all day long.
That you will rock him ’til your knees get sore,
And sing his favorite songs.
Tell me that You’ll keep him safe,
So I will not be distressed.
Tell me that he’ll will get his wings
And tell me he’ll be blessed.
Let me know he made it safely,
Without a single blister or bleed,
Let me know that you will do MY job,
To fulfill his every need.
I have to know that you will love him,
Just as much, or more, than I do.
And when he finally speaks a word,
That You’ll record it so I can hear, too.
My buddy is going to need Your help,
With so much yet to learn.
Like using a spoon, writing his name,
And having to wait his turn.
God, please be patient when he tries,
For he’s such a sweet and loving boy.
Please give him every thing he wants,
But make sure he shares his toys.
These are things I’ll miss out on,
Like no Mommy should have to do.
So don’t let one milestone go unnoticed,
Please, I’m begging You.
He likes Elmo’s ducks, The Three little Pigs,
Shoo Fly and Counting to Four.
Big Green Tractor, Rise and Shine.
And when they stop, he’ll tell you “more.”
He holds certain toys in certain hands,
And says yes with a big smile.
Please spend some extra special time,
And talk with him awhile.
It breaks my heart to have to think
That he won’t graduate from school.
Or go to prom, or have kids of his own,
Or even break a single rule.
Tell him for me- please don’t forget,
That I wanted him to stay.
That I tried and tried to ease his pain,
But it was only YOU who knew the way.
I know you have a choir of angels,
Who play music while they fly.
And if they need a drummer boy-
Well, my Tripp, he’s their guy!
You’ve probably seen it for yourself,
That he’s one brave kid, indeed.
But he’ll be scared if You have to leave,
So stay with him, I plead.
If he has to go to Heaven first,
I’ll make one promise back to You-
I’ll miss him every second he’s gone,
And spend the rest of my life trying to get there, too.
I hope that’s not too much to ask,
And I trust You’ll do your best.
To fill my spot, just temporary,
And answer my requests.
Thank in advance, Dear God.
Because I know You’re a busy man.
I trust in You and in Your Will
And know You have a plan.”
Words just simply can’t express
To my only son who just turned two-
How very much my heart will ache
If that rocking chair is without you.
So dear sweet angel baby of mine,
If we ever have to say goodbye…
I’ll rock you in my heart forever,
Until we meet again in the sky.