frivolous friday

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THURSDAY, MARCH 5, 2009

mommy guilt

In our attempts to fatten Bug up, we’ve tried everything…and I do mean everything.

Just kidding! I was making cookies and Bug held onto the butter for me until I was ready for it.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about J. Bug’s lack of weight gain and honestly, feeling pretty guilty. I’m not sure how I didn’t notice that he was “failing to thrive,” and I’m not quite sure how to tell if he’s struggling in the future. He’s a really active infant, and his activity level stayed constant throughout this whole thing. He wasn’t particularly lethargic or sleepy acting. He also rarely roots, so that’s never been a good indication either. Even weighing him every morning seems to only further confuse me. For instance, Bug weighed 12 lbs even yesterday. This morning – weighed at the same time, in the same kind of diaper – he weighed 11.4 lbs. Did he really lose over half a pound in a day?!

I didn’t know that my baby was hungry – starving. I made choices based on my best guesses of why he was fussing, and I was apparently often wrong. I’m struggling with second guessing all my choices now and am wondering when I’ll ever know Bug as  it seems a mother should. I was reading the other day that I should be able to distinguish Bug’s cries by now. I have to be honest – I have NO idea what he needs by the sound of his cry. I can only guess based on the timing: if it’s about time to fall asleep, to eat, to play with another toy, etc. Obviously that’s not the most effective way to figure out his needs, since that was my method when he stopped gaining weight.

Anyway, I’m blessed that he’s basically a healthy kid, just a little frustrated at the moment with trying to figure out how exactly to tell when he’s hungry or when he’s just tired or gassy. Advice or insight would be thoroughly appreciated!

Please continue praying for Matt and Patrice. I just checked their blog this morning, and Jonah apparently took 4cc of milk! That was one of the primary things for which Patrice was asking prayers, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. So please pray that he’d continue to eat well and that God would protect his little body from infection.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2009

on a posting roll

Yes, friends – I’m actually posting two posts in two days! Are you wondering to what you can attribute this amazing feat of organization on my part? To put it shortly, Shawn’s a great husband and father. He’s always offering to take Bug for a couple of hours so that I can get away. For awhile, I was using that time to run. Since I’m up with J. Bug so much in the night now, though, I’m finding that running just zaps my energy for the rest of the day. So for awhile, my answer was, “no, that’s okay, i’ll just hang out at home.” As I watched my patience level dwindle and my stress level rise, I started thinking that maybe I should again take him up on those offers. So I’m writing this in relative quiet at my local coffee shop. I love spending time with my sweet boy, but I have to admit that I do thoroughly enjoy the occasional break. In true motherhood fashion, I spend most of my time away from him thinking about him.

I do have some pictures for you! Like most babies, Bug likes to look at himself in the mirror, so I wanted to snap some pictures of him doing just that. I’m not sure how well you can see our bed in the background, but you can be sure it’s unmade…so just ignore that.

Our big boy! He loves to sit up on the couch/recliner, etc. like this. Check out that belly! Can you see why I might’ve been a little slow to realize that he wasn’t gaining weight?

I was reading a mother’s blog recently that was composed entirely of letters to her infant daughter. I thought that was a great idea and I think I might do that occasionally here. This blog is the closest thing to a baby book that I keep, and I really do use it as a way to keep record of Bug’s young life. I’d love to have some notes and thoughts specifically for him that he can read here when he’s older.
We have an appointment on Tuesday for Bug’s 4 month well check up and weight check. I’m really not sure that he’s gained weight in the two weeks since he was weighed last, so I’m eager to see. We’re feeding him as much as he seems to want, so if he hasn’t gained weight, I think I might ask the doctor about more aggressive approaches – hopefully something that will still allow me to breastfeed as much as possible. On the advice of pretty much everyone who loves me, I’ve decided to stop weighing him daily. Our scale isn’t consistent, and it just seems to feed my anxiety about him. I’ll probably weigh him every three days as I still want a way to track his progress and keep an eye on him. I have to be honest – looking at him, you’d have no idea anything was wrong. He has plenty of fat rolls and even more energy. Perhaps he’s just a small baby? I don’t know…I’m tired of pretending like I know what I’m doing or what’s going on. I have no idea. I’m downright clueless about this whole motherhood thing.
Jonah’s story was written up in the Winston-Salem Journal today.HERE’S the link. I’m so amazed and inspired by both of them. My heart literally aches when I see pictures of Jonah, and I genuinely love that boy. My prayer continues to be that he is healed and lives a long, long life. I pray that he and Jude will be good friends for many, many years. Please continue praying that 1)God would protect his fragile body from infection 2)He would eat great and get the nutrients he needs to fight the battle he faces 3)That God would heal his body, allowing Jonah to live a normal, healthy life.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2000

a letter to bug

Dear Bug,

Tomorrow you will be four months old, which seems both so young and entirely too old at the same time. You are one amazing kid, sweet boy. You had a check up today, and as the doctor listed the developmental milestones you should have been hitting at this age, your Daddy and I couldn’t help but smile at each other. Most of them you’ve been doing for a couple of months now! You’ve gotten much more smiley in the past month, and it’s sweet to see you charm complete strangers with that dimple. You’ve also started to really recognize me and Daddy, and I’m proud to say that we can make you smile more than anyone. I have so many favorite memories of you from the past month, but I wanted to share a few specific ones.

– Daddy and I read to you every night as you’re winding down for bed. You had fallen asleep while Daddy was reading a bit of “Winnie The Pooh” to you. In the book, Winnie the Pooh was singing a song, so Daddy sung the song in his “Pooh” voice (which is spot on, by the way). Though you were fast asleep, you woke up a little when Daddy started singing, looked at him, and smiled your sweet smile. You melt my heart, bug.

-You’ve started reaching out for Coletrane as he passes by, which I love. Sometimes Cole walks on by, and sometimes he graces you with a kiss on the hand (or on the face if we’re not watching!). Your joy at those disgusting puppy kisses makes me smile every time.

-One time I was changing your diaper on the changing table and you were beyond fussy. I was doing everything I could to calm you down, but nothing seemed to be working. I was buttoning up your onesie when you grabbed ahold of my forearm and just stopped crying. I looked down at you and you just stared at me…as if you knew you were safe with me.

We’ve loved watching you grow and change in the past four months, sweetheart, and are excited to see how much more you do so. Though we suspected it even when I was pregnant with you, we’re seeing that you have a fiesty, determined personality. I expect this will make some of our time as your parents a challenge, but I also expect that God gave you that personality for a very specific purpose. We love you so much more than you know, and God loves you more fully and completely than we ever could.

Love,

Mommy

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